When I’m no more mine I’m all yours

I found these lines on another blog, liked them, and in turn they inspired me to write a few lines, which .. just flowed and i dint know how......

"I know I’ve hurt you to the deepest core
I deserve your ignorance
...but
...I need you I need your love around me
...
Remember you used to say
You’ll steal me away from me
When I’m no more mine I’m all yours
Alone to suffer you are leaving me
You carried our relation so far
You’ve always been there one who cared
....."



It is an excerpt from the actual post which you can find here..
http://www.toshakishayari.com/409

When I’m no more mine I’m all yours....

With a zillion letters

Scattered around me,

Like a child's playground of toys,

I look at our scattered memories,

Glaring up at me, with innocent eyes

Accusing me of my insensitivity...

I forgot, in a single day of loneliness,

The intimacy and intricacy of our relation.

I forgot my only promise to life,

And left all the trust at gunpoint.

...and now,

I’m faced with mirthless laughter,

From all over my insides.

As I stand here, with fistfuls of piercing ice,

And work to undo my wrongdoings,

I realize, it’s my Mind,

To which, I’ve allowed great selfishness...

Which, I've allowed to remain its own,

In-spite of my Self...my Soul....

That doesn't seem to belong to me...in its entirety...

I belong to you,

I'm your possession,

For you to keep as your own...

I read books that connect me to you,

I sing songs that maybe I could sing to you

I do things that maybe you’d like me to do...

And take decisions that I think you'd take if I were you...

I am Yours, Yours to treat the way you like...

For just at the moment,

When I won’t remain mine anymore,

I would submit my Self to God,

And would hope that YOU take it,

In its entirety, ahead from there.

...Take ME ahead from there....

My hands aren't clammy anymore,

The lines aren't dark anymore,

Like they used to be, at 'that' time..........

But, I know yours are...

Because ‘we’ are just meant to be,

The way we are...

So please don’t leave me,

Forgive me once,

And see...

Give me this chance,

And I'd do everything, for you and me...

Forgive me...

Distant...

Yesterday I was sitting and wondering why,
All that one wishes for remains distant no matter how much you try!


I was a kid when I used to crawl at my mother’s feet, wanting to rest closer to her chest,
But distant she seemed, as I would reach out a hand hoping she would see me, forgetting all the rest.


As I grew up, I learnt to play basketball, the basket, my goal, distant again,
But I learnt to still put the ball in there, a trick that we need to use to our gain...


Haha! Distant always were those 'magic marks' that my parents made me dream of,
Not that that I was a loser, for a tried till I myself decided to take my hands off...


Distant used to be that kite that we kids would clamour to fetch from the tree top,
Though I found ways eventually, to make attempts that wouldn’t always flop!


And now, distant is my mother's call, which I once used to hear and instantly run to her from my playground..
For after those scoldings, premonitions, and nagging advices, her caring hugs used to abound...


All of it has been distant, u know, just out of reach..
But I could eventually reach all of it, with the help of all that life's experiences tend to teach.

...

But, you, why are YOU this far?
You came to me as a means to reach closer to my wishes,
Then why are you distant as a star?
I spend my days, not in solitude, for there is a multitude of thoughts,
And I wonder, was it I, who lovingly let you in but, then, dint see that there were doors standing ajar?


I am walking out of one of those doors myself now,
For it’s all empty here, and all that’s outside is beckoning me.
I am walking out to let my thoughts breathe some fresh air,
For these gazillion thoughts are sapping me of energy.


But, I am still just around where you struck me first...
For me to feel you again, in the face of destiny.
The Glare of the sun, I remember, made me go numb and fall into your arms,
And it’s the same again, only, you are distant, and I seem to have no earth beneath me......


YOU; my Idea of a Happy Life, of Bright Mornings, of Success, of My Smiling Dimples,....of a Formless, Selfless Me....

Confusion Reigns...

Confusion reigns,
Faith slips,
Furrowed brows,
Pursed Lips...

Fighting thoughts,
Shouting hoarse,
Anger grips,
And helpessness wins...

Slowly, strengh drains,
Mind slips to slumber,
Heart stops,
Eyes close...



.......

All is solved until those eyes re-open ...
Confusion sleeps as long as the world is asleep...

Afraid of the Dark!

A "grown-up" I am,
They call me a "responsible adult",
An eligible bachelor, a responsible citizen,
Who has many a job, than just worrying about the election results!


And yet, yet I feel I'm a child,
For my fear of Darkness, has still not turned mild!


The Night haunts me,
It's sounds hound me,
I flinch in the darkness,
Afraid, I might see red eyes floating midair,
In some dark corner around me!


But I indulge in horror stories sometimes,
You know, to put up a brave act, in this situation tight,
And then I shout "Bring it on! im not scared of you at every time!"
As if throwing a challenge to the Night!


But as I put out the lights,
The ghosts start dancing in my head,
I shut my eyes tight,
But they feed on my fear, and show me all that I dread!


"Oh! Let it be morning!" I pray,
And force myself to sleep,
I clutch my pillow,
And tell myself, "Yes, now u ARE deep asleep!"


Funny it is,
At how scared I still am!
But I know how to win the game,
I know I'll stop being scared - I know I can!
...One day I'll grow up finally,
And defeat, single-handed, Mr. Night's cruel plan!!!





Or so I hope......
:)

A Numb Sense of Fear...

I lie on the cold grass,
Black is the sky,
With streaks of red - It’s promiscuity.


I roll over to see,
That the garden stretches far,
Till where my eyes can see a dark corner,
A secret den, perhaps for the garden’s scheme of things...


The garden smells of the soil, wet from the recent rain,
And of the wild flowers, growing along its sides,
It smells of the crisp leaves, fallen on the soft ground...


Crisp leaves,
That crumble as I touch them,
But the soil strengthens,
As I try to ‘crush’ a fistful...


I feel the promiscuity in the air,
The irony of the night’s existence,
I hear the cat purring, dog whining...
I see the leaves falling,
The wild flowers swaying...


My six senses are all but asleep,
Even when everyone around is deep in slumber.

But my heart thumps hard,
Making me feel numb, in-spite of my senses,
-----Oh! Why this Irony...?


I feel numb, with fear,
Fear of what lay beyond,
Afraid of my own Vulnerability,
Scared of Future’s uncertainty...

Promiscuous Future...


...


I lay flat on my back, motionless,
And watch the sky slowly turning completely red…
Until it becomes hot, blurred, and watery,
And pours... And pours...
And drenches my insides...
Emptying my mind of all thought...


And I too, slip into deep slumber...
Lying numb, on the wet grass...

Ramblings Of A Cynic...

Shut me up,
Like you'd shut a criminal in lockup
..Just lemme not breathe freely..


--I want to fly..


Bottle me up,
Like you'd trap the air
..Just let my twittering be quietened for ever..


--I want to make merry..


Eat up all my energy,
Leave me wasted, dried up
..Let me be all empty inside!


--I want to feel FULL of joy !


Go on, strangle me, chop me, fry me..
Take all the life out of me!

--I want to be chirpy,
...to be bubbly,
...to be happy..

Smother all of it, smother me!


For rather than being a living dead
I would prefer death itself to come and embrace me........

Just Four walls...

It's my four walls and me....

That together try to create an absurd camaraderie.

Those four walls I try to embellish,

With delicate hands, whose tender care they relish.

Alongside, Time keeps extending it's help to me,

Morphing my walls into what they never used to be !

But I am to carry on, with all my passion,

Decorating them, defying situations that sadden.

I put a hazy picture of a house on one wall,

The house aint big, but it's happy colors embrace all.

On another, I use red and pink satins,

Making random designs; The "sweet nothings"...

My third wall stares blankly at me,

As I turn my head and it's foggy black eyes befuddle me...

Finally I turn once more, and smile at the million decoratives hanging,

This wall is a blur of thousand colors, each one forcefully compelling.

But this is not a house, for it has no roof..no rooms, no people at all...

No, i don't have a home, a home like the one that's hanging on one of my walls..

-It is just my Dreams, My love, Emptiness, and The Present...

It's just my four walls and me, as their only tenant...

Sublime Smile...

I saw a smile today…
While I was on my way …

To home I was heading,
To see my mother’s smile I was expecting.

But through the closed bus window,
I could see vehicles in a row.
And just across the road,
I spotted a man carrying a small load.

He was waving at the traffic,
Motioning the cars to move on.
He probably imagined himself to be a policeman,
But it was something else my observation was on.

This man was looking the wrong way,
He seemed to have no sense of direction.
But he held a sublime smile,
A smile that caught my fascination.

Ignorance is bliss, they say,
This man seemed blissfully unaware of even the time of the day!


…..sigh……..


… I no longer wanted to think anymore,
I closed my eyes, but still hurtful memories came afore.

And I just wondered if, like him,
Of all of them, I could be blissfully unaware…

…..


Soon, I reached home,
I saw my mother and smiled.
She was clearly happy to have me home,
For she smiled back, beguiled……

F~R~I~E~N~D~S..

Its amazing how, sometimes, mere presence, of a friend, confers strength to the heart and soul.
-The heart always seems to play mind games.. almost always...


The heart goes on,
Life goes on,
Things come and go,
People come and go...

Sometimes the day is good,
Sometimes utterly bad..
But it’s really about the people,
Those few people
The heart doesnt let go..
....this obstinate heart...

These people,
They just seem to be there - sometimes not,
And just there presence,
Encourages a lot..

----


" Life is short,
Life is momentous..
Who knows I might kill someone,
Or be killed tomorrow...?

Just don’t leave me wondering,
If you were with me,
Or not.
Wondering, if u really cared..
...if you were real or not.

I live from you,
You are one of the embossed lines,
On my life's card..
A part; a piece of my life..

So SHOW me you are there,
Let me not choke myself,
With thoughts that you aren’t real,
-Show me you are there - my friends... "

----

I ask them for this lil favor,
For, when they disappear,
These tears,
Audacious tears,
They flow..

In their absence, they flow.....

Do i love, or is it lusty amour?

Do i love or is it lusty amour?
Is this feeling just intimacy or something more?
The visions in front of my eyes are vulgar, full of gore...
Drunken eyes and melting nights galore...
And all THIS wasnt there before!

My heart used to BREATHE in days of yore
It could feel love, compassion, care and a lot more..
The heart, dat 'loved u to the core'
The paper heart, myriad pieces of which YOU tore!

And now things have turned sour
With the killing bite of feelings impure
I can sense I cant love anymore
Alas! i can't love anymore...

As i stand alone at life's shore
Trying meekly to hear its distant roar,
I take refuge in all that I used to abhor
Merely to enjoy my living hour..
To give my life-long-hour a pleasurable decor
Unknowingly making it forever dull n dour

But deep inside, true happiness I wish for ..
Wish for the smile that has gone afar..
I want the devil to walk out of my door
And let me reach my destination before my feet go sore

And now before you begin to snore
You-who has been reading these lines with anticiaption in store
Let me bring you back to the fore
And make your unabashed smile soar...
To write all this, I just let my imagination soar
And to tell you the truth, all I wanted was a person to bore!!!!!!!!!

Take care n spread smiles galore!!! :)
cares n prayers,ritu!!

The girl...

She used to see me off
Everyday to school
Every morning she would walk down with me
Talking about a myriad of things

I met her first
On the pavement of the road
She was quenching her thirst
Towards her, I began to trod

We looked at each other
Her shabby clothes betrayed her poverty
But she didn't seem to bother
And she did look rather dainty. . .

She must've seen something in me
For I too saw a bubbly friend in her
And that's how we became friends
Every thought, every idea we began to share

She would ask me about my family, my mother
Then kick start her monologue
About her many lil 'adventures'
Ending, 'ooh! you should have seen me do it!'

One day i told her off hand
That my mother was a lil ill
She immeditely clutched her wrist band
And stood stock still

I had no time to wonder
For the gatekeeper was calling upon me
Just as she seemed to shudder
I hastily waved a feeble goodbye. . .

The next curious, windy day
I found her sobbing self on the pavement
It was then that i realized and began to sway
For without a mother, her life she used to spend

Mother nature! What game do you play with your children
On one hand you bestow all riches
And on the very other, unending miseries and glitches . . ?

Death...

I used to think of death
As someone so far,
Whom i yearn to meet with
Almost every day, every hour

Death! an anodyne for suffering
The means to get peace
The key to defeat all
The puzzle's final piece!

----

But that night
When the earth shook
The howling darkness instilled fright
And i realized a hidden truth


I sleep in deep slumber
Every night, even days
A sleep that binds me
All my fears it quietly allays


But, that night, I faced a terrible reality
The reality of physical pain
I had been hurt lot in my life, i used to think
But now that thought is slain

I never knew i would be scared
Of death, when it is beckoning me
I never knew i also loved
So much.... it felt beyond me. . .


This uneneding love
That enscorcelles my heart with strings...
Its what I live on, live off
Oh! I can never leave it behind.. no matter how much pain it brings

----


And so yet again, I sleep
Eyes closed, deep in slumber
While Satan wakes, My Death looks at me
Smiles
And takes me away, while im deep asleep

A lil Background to this post:

This was written after this pretty strong earthquake, that jolted our city one night. I generlly dont remember dates and events.. but that night is etched in my memory like an engraving. It took me quite some time to come out of shock. A shock that made me unable to move at the time when this earthquake had struck....

Blind Man..

I was walking down a neverending street
Could feel the wind against my face
I was feeling a little insecure a lil scared
For what if i crashed into something lying on my path..
Nevertheless, the wind was egging me on
My stick giving me confidence
The stick of which i had grown so used to..
The good old stick.. i wondered how it looked, this precious posession of mine
It felt like my love .. it felt so alive in my hands:)

I was still walking when a whiff of perfume passed me by
I let my nostrils flare, to catch the fragrance
For with the fragrance there seemed to be an emotion so strong
That (i realized) i was frowning in thought
.. It was something in the way the fragrance walked past me..
Oh if only i could explain to u what i 'saw'..

Its been a while now, that iv moved around like a dog..
Smelling to find my way
But it doesnt work always, doesnt work for places far way
From places i usually have to travel to, everyday
:)... God bless the dogs..

Quickly, i stopped thinking about the quaint fragrance
And hurried towards the bus stop
The bus driver that cums just after i hear the shutter behind me, go up, knows me well
I feel comfortable in that bus, with that rough voiced, but friendly bus driver
And that high pitched voice of the rather short bus conductor
I did'nt want to miss that bus..

Ah! in comfort on the front seat i was, my stick stretched ahead of me
I felt a few hands on my shoulder now and then
Some carefully trying to avoid inadvertently hitting someone, in that bumpy ride
And some hardly bothering

Suddenly i heard a voice from my right
From where the driver should have been
It sounded .. a lil unfriendly .. and seemed to be looking at me but talking to someone else
Then i heard dragging footsteps stop and shift a lil, in front of me
I was being addressed now, and a chill went down my spine..
"kahaan jaana hai? kisiko saath nahi laye ho?"
Where do u want to go? Isnt anybody with you?
-I had taken the wrong bus
I always depended on myself, and my observations to take the right bus
And i dint expect to fail
I looked up, judging the gait of my intimidator
I got up and hit the side of the window pane with my stick
And my stick told me, this want my bus at all.

It was then that i began to feel excessively scared, insecure
It was then that i opened my eyes
I was blind, for what seemed to be ages.. years!
I had'nt seen how the other half of the world was living
I was in MY bus all this while .. never bothered to step elsewhere
And look out of the window from there....

Today,
I saw a blind man waiting at d bus stop
Saw a lonely old man crossing the road
Saw a rickshawpuller struggle his way past the traffic
.... and saw myself walking blindly on my every day routine
My world, confined to my music
My work
My love
My desires
My ...

I am blind man.. Scared of the world across my boundaries...
Just that, here, i am blind out of choice...

A lil peeking is important for understanding....:)

To be or not to be is the question my friend. And what decides the end, is the way we LOOK at things now... thats not philosophy only.... its science....

Take a peek..

http://www.blindspottest.com/



The words here may not be yours, but what you 'see' here will always be your idea.